Letter From Andy

Posted by Judith Kastle on

Hi Clay,
It's been a while since
you've heard from me but I've been continuing to listen to your podcasts and learn from the wisdom and experience you share. Thank you so much for taking the time to keep doing that, it has helped me so much on my journey and I am sure it's likewise for countless others out there.
I say it's a journey because that's how I see life now. My addiction kicked in after I lost my parents and I couldn't cope with the pain so I sought escapism through my choice of poison and at some point I crossed that invisible line. Looking back, I saw it as the end of something and that's how I saw the end of my using and drinking days, like I was losing everything worthwhile (oh, how wrong and short-sighted I was). But I was holding onto a part of my life that had already gone and I was slowly being dragged down by the sinking ship that I was desperately clinging to. 
It was the fear of letting go that held me back for a while I believe and blocked me from seeing the reality of my situation. How freeing it was to finally take that leap of faith and jump overboard. So now, I see the end of something as a new beginning, a new opportunity to grow and one not to be feared. I have found God now through the Steps (he/she was always there, I just kind of lost my way for 40 years or so but it happens right) and it's been a beautiful ride, apart from when I take my will back and grab hold of the steering wheel occasionally that is, which is when I always end up in choppy water funnily enough.
I still struggle at times and get frustrated with the message I hear in meetings but I'm finding peace with that now. It's not from a judgemental perspective, it just saddens me to hear people in pain when maybe it doesn't have to be that way. I guess it's more about seeing a fellow human being suffer that troubles me but everyone has their journey and path and each of us are unique formed through our individual experiences so it's not for me to judge or say how anyone should be. 
Until a few months ago, I was still going to meetings with the intention of making an impact and sharing something that would grab people's attention and make them think but then I realised it was becoming about me again (yawn 😴). Your experience around this in how to be helpful at meetings was inspiring. It's become about turning up early and hanging around at the end to chat to people, to get to know them, to make them feel loved and accepted. That is what God would want me to do and it's my job now, one that I wouldn't change for the world. I've even learned to accept compliments now even though I can feel a resistance to this sometimes.
I loved what you shared recently about self not seeing self and therefore we look out for the most obvious ways self manifests in fear, resentment and relationships. Looking at myself all the time can be exhausting in itself and once again, I'm back into self rather than thinking of others. The biggest revelation of all though, is that thinking about myself all the time is just so fucking boring. It really is 😄 There is so much more to see when you look out rather than in.
I've found myself tearful in prayer a few times because I'm so grateful and lucky to be where I am now but best of all, my wife wakes up with a smile on her face, feeling loved and she sings in the shower again now. A far cry from the broken woman she was a couple of years ago.
Never stop spreading God's love and light my friend, it's infectious. I keep plugging your show whenever I get the chance.
Take it easy,
P.S. I had to give up the contract with Wet Cycling Weekly in the end. I gave the cycling thong a good try but after a few miles, the chaffing kicked in and it was kind of angry looking down there!